Time out

I’m asked almost every week at some point why I think I’m still single, and I never know how to answer. Well-meaning friends have dished up every piece of advice they know. I’ve researched the topic over several years, and the conclusion I have come upon, as a determining factor is….time.

Being a long term ‘singley’ doesn’t guarantee that I know everything there is to know about being single (contrary to popular belief). Yes, I’m a body language ‘expert’ and yes, I do know quite a bit about the science of attraction…and yet, I’m still single!

Like many other things in life – bucket lists, weight loss, learning to play guitar; we rarely carve out the time to make ‘it’ - (love/dating) happen. It’s important to us (when we think about it), but not important enough to actually do anything about it.

A revelation to me along the way has been that even people in a relationship have a problem with this. When I asked several people I know who are on second or third marriages why it didn’t work previously, they often gave reasons such as: “We just didn’t make time for each other.” “We didn’t keep the romance alive, work/children/commitments (delete as appropriate) always came first.”

To bring this harsh reality of modern day love right to my doorstep, I recently caught up with a guy that I had a perfectly nice first date with seven weeks ago! The first date went well, he made me laugh, made obvious signals that he actually fancied me, and the conversation was easy. I committed one hour of my time, one Sunday in March, the time was 11am-12 midday, the place - Mission Bay, Auckland. The one hour coffee, became a three hour lunch at an Italian place and a walk on the beach. He kissed me on the cheek and we went our separate ways.

My point is this – seven weeks went by. Not because it didn’t go well. Not because he didn’t contact me, because he did for several days afterwards. I just let it go. I was busy in my business, couldn’t see where I would fit in time for a new ‘thing’, and so just let it drift.

Then one day recently we ended up in contact again, arranged to meet, and again it was an easy date. Conversation flowed, we appeared to be able to be honest with each other (the absolute bonus of being an older dater), and we enjoyed each others company.

I asked him if he was surprised that we were meeting again and why he hadn’t deleted me from his contacts when I was so dismissive towards him, and he just said, “I didn’t want to…you never know.” He asked me why I hadn’t contacted him and I said, “I was busy, I genuinely didn’t find time to see you again in amongst the growth period my business was going through.”

You can argue that you don’t have time for many things in life - but love shouldn’t be one of them. If you’re in a relationship, make time for that weekend getaway. If you’re single, remind yourself what it feels like to flirt back if someone is brave enough to show you they’re interested. And don’t see time as your enemy, but your friend.  Now is the time to take time out to focus on the thing that matters most, YOU.

Steph Holloway

For details on the 'Yes to Love' workshops click on the website above. Feel free to leave a comment below about the one thing that you find difficult to do when meeting people for the first time.


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