Love after loss

My husband and I sadly lost our first baby in June 2011, he died at 27 weeks of pregnancy.  We were extremely fortunate to fall pregnant after we got married at the end of November 2010.  We planned to start our family after we were married, so things changed very quickly.

The day we discovered our son no longer had a heartbeat, the first person I looked at was my husband, Ryan.  He had tears in his eyes, I knew from looking at him that the words I had just heard were true, our baby had died.

When he was born, we both looked at each other and without saying anything we both knew we would 'try' for another child as soon as we could.  We were on the same page.  It just felt right for us, people have often asked me how I knew when we should 'try' again.  I can't really answer that, it depends on your experience, but for us we didn't really have a reason to not have another baby.

I have always been a person that likes comfort, hugs, being close to the person I love, as I'm sure most people are.  But, after the loss of Alex, I couldn't bear to be away from Ryan, I just felt I had to remain close to him at all times. 

The loss immediately brought us closer together, we were both experiencing similar feelings of grief.  We cried and comforted each other and I remember thinking "at least I still have Ryan".  We were riding this emotional roller coaster together.  It definitely made us stronger as a couple. 

Communication was the glue that held us together and we talked to each other a lot.  We would often go our for lunch and dinner dates and we would talk about what we needed and the things that we had to look forward to.  Ryan and I have always enjoyed going out for food related dates, we both love good food and are happy to pay for great service.

Since the loss of Alex, we have been blessed with a daughter and another son.  Ryan has been my rock throughout the subsequent pregnancies, labours and births.  Of course there have been times when my experience of the loss and grief was so different to Ryan's, we couldn't understand how the other person was feeling. 

This at times has put an incredible amount of  pressure on our relationship, as a couple and as parents.  And there were periods when I didn't know if we could continue to be together.  We have always managed to talk, even though we have both not felt listened to at times.

They say the first year of marriage is the hardest and for us, it was and will always be the toughest year we have been through together. But, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?  I believe we have experienced one of the biggest challenges a couple can go through and we are still together now in 2016.  Ryan is the person who knows what I have experienced and there is no one else I would rather be with, I am very, very lucky lady.

All my love,
Stace xx
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